I've struggled in finding good articles that explain the true meaning behind the virtue of modesty. Most that I find lean towards the side of condemning women who dress immodestly, and emphasize the fact that women are trying to get attention from men. They usually cover, rightfully so, that we need to protect our brothers' eyes and not lead them into temptation. I want to take it a little deeper though. Why do women seek this attention? If you ask any woman, she will tell you that she wants to be desired for more than just her looks. A woman who dresses immodestly is seeking something deeper than just a man's glance. She is seeking love. She wants to feel beautiful. In an attempt to fulfill these desires, women will often compromise themselves. That's also the reason why so many women give in to impurity. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love?" Can you blame her? In our society, finding true examples of real, selfless love is rare. If she's never seen it, how would a woman even know what she was looking for?
There is a deeper wound here that needs to be treated. By just condemning her dress, we are only treating the symptoms, not finding the cure to the illness. We need to teach women that they are loved by the only man who will never leave them. Every other man will fall short. We do not find our dignity in a man's advances, we find it in the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father. When a woman has complete confidence in the security of His love, she no longer feels the need to seek out improper attention of men. This is where we need to start.
YOU ARE LOVED.
In my attempt to find a good article on modesty, I finally found one by Fr. Michael Scanlon:
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2216976313&topic=2667
He does a beautiful job addressing the Church's teaching and scriptural basis for modesty.
But I would still love to dive deeper into this psychological reasoning for dressing immodestly.
It's my dinner time, so I will have to leave it at that. But Part 2 of this topic will cover: A) More on why it's important to be modest, and B)How the heck do I dress modestly and still be fashionable?
Part 3: In what ways do men need to be modest???
In what ways do men need to be modest?
ReplyDeleteWell I don’t normally post on blogs nor did I really ever look at one seriously until an old friend said I should read through this one, and so I did. As for the ways women can dress modestly I think that has been addressed quite well, after all a man who looks sorely for curves is looking less for love. Also an interesting point to make on my behalf is that I am currently writing a thesis on modesty. The definition given in the Catechism for modesty is: “refusing to unveil what should remain hidden” (2521), and it states that “Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love” (2522). So really at its core modesty is used in dress but is really pertaining to the person revealing the truth about themselves. For example, when I meet a random person at the coffee shop I generally don’t tell them everything I confessed last time my soul got a good scrubbing. So too, if a person engages in a dialogue (especially about the faith) then by the Gospel call, I am called to evangelize. Meaning that a virtue is meeting the middle ground between too much and not enough, in Aristotle’s words:
In everything that is continuous and divisible it is possible to take more, less, or an equal amount, and that either in terms of the thing itself or relatively to us; and the equal is an intermediate between excess and defect. (Nicomachean Ethics 1106a-25)
So what is he getting at with all this philosophy stuff? That modesty is a virtue that does not especially pertain to dress:
Modesty is the virtue which moderates all the internal and external movements and appearance of a person within the bounds and limits proper to his state in life, intellectual ability, and wealth. There are four virtues included under modesty: humility, studiousness, modesty in external behaviour, modesty in dress. (Handbook of Moral Theology, Dominic M. Prummer, O.P., 238)
Once we move past the ‘he’ and realize it’s just a formal way of writing and not sexist. And as you well noticed as I did when I began preparing for my thesis that modesty of dress is the last of the virtues included under modesty. Meaning that someone is prone to immodest dress after he or she is immodest in their gifts from God (pride being the vice of humility). We generally describe a high school class nerd as studiousness. Here studiousness means a diligence to perfection or marked by steady attention, so the virtue of modesty is a never ending battle for excellence (excellence here means humility, external behavior and dress). Modesty in external behaviour although spelled funny means what I am saying, am I revealing too much about myself in my speech or in my actions. Is my body language and my own personal language saying something that I am not, “mean what you say and say what you mean” (Fr. A.C. Fabian O.P.) and last of all if those things aren’t working right then most likely I will be more than willing to show a little more leg or buy a lower cut shirt. Meaning that all the things that I am lacking in of these virtues means I have revealed the total truth about myself, I don’t know how much God truly loves me.
Cont...
ReplyDeleteI’m sure this has been covered in other blogs posted here but a spirit of guarding ones heart is in my opinion what guys need to work on. Guarding ones heart means modesty in all its virtues, it would be immodest if on the wedding night both the bride and groom didn’t give themselves completely to each other. So too, one night stands are being immodest with each other. Am I appropriately revealing myself to others, did I bear my soul too much or too little to another. Here is where guys need to improve in modesty (myself included) but here it is more listening, am I allowing a girl to reveal herself too much (get your mind out of the gutter) in circumstances like sitting on a comfortable couch and listening while the young lady tells you all about herself for long hours. Did I say that’s so interesting tell me more, in a romantic voice. Here becomes the difficulty, because dating is about getting to know each other to discern getting engaged. But did we become friends first before we began dating, did I know I was interested in her before I asked to go for a soda or a slice of pizza (whatever kids do these days). Do I have a proper disposition to intimacy, which translated means ‘in-to-me-see’ or is it unto me see. Pretty much if I had a daughter and saw her doing this would I be a happy father or would I be reaching for the closet blunt object.
Girls please don’t settle, please
Guys please stop being buttheads
Couples please be honest with yourselves
Married people please be open to life
I would argue that the biggest issue for men with respect to modesty is in external behavior. And just as any good modesty talk regarding women's dress needs to start with an overview of how guys view things differently than women, any good discourse on how men need to behave more modestly needs to start by explaining how women fall in love differently than men.
ReplyDeleteTo that end, men need to remember that women are slower to fall in love, but when they do, they do so more deeply than men. As such, when a man and a woman dating each other break up, the man, being less emotionally invested, is quicker to recover from the heartbreak than the woman. Also worth noting before getting into the meat of this topic is that women want to feel secure, special, and beautiful. If a man is able to make a woman feel this way, he should only do so if he's planning on being exclusive with her. Otherwise, he's lying to her in such a way that will have serious consequences for her.
Now that we have that all settled, this part is for the men. Be careful what you say to a woman, as well as how you act toward her. Going off of what the person before me stated, a good, solid friendship needs to be established before taking that next step with her, if such is your plan. If you're having feelings for her, having a good friendship allows you to see if you're attracted to her personality, not just her looks. After all, if you're only interested in her physical appearance, what happens when she no longer looks the way she does now? Yet above all, it's your responsibility to guard women's hearts. Since I told you about that big difference in how they love, as well as a few of the things their hearts desire, it should be clear to you that if you truly love a woman, you're responsible for her well-being.
Now that I told the men what they need to do, this part is for the women. First and foremost, you have to discipline yourselves so you don't get carried away too easily. If there's a guy who seems interested in you, don't invest your heart until he makes it clear that he is interested in you and only you. Just because he says the right things doesn't mean he's interested in you. Some guys are clever enough with their words to manipulate women's hearts. In light of that, make him show that he wants to be exclusive with you before you give your heart. Otherwise, you unnecessarily risk having your heart broken. Sure, love does involve risks, but only some of them are necessary. By waiting until the man expresses the desire to be exclusive with you, it's easier to see his true motives.
Having said what I could about this, I figure that I should leave you with this interview with Catholic dating expert Anthony Buono. He mentions many of the things I brought up here, but in a more eloquent way. The interview, which is about 7-8 minutes long, can be heard using the link below.
http://www.6stonejars.com/index.cfm/2010/10/20/Son-Rise-Morning-Show-Emotionally-Chaste
Really wonderful insights, both of you! Thank you for your input!
ReplyDelete