Contraception and a Woman's Self-Image

I just read this amazing article on the effects that our culture's contraceptive mentality has on a woman's self image and the pressure to look "sexy." I highly recommend it:  Contraception and a Woman's Self-Image.

She poses a great argument that this mentality perpetuates the idea that a woman's worth and value comes from how sexually desirable she is, especially in the context of her marriage.  I want to ponder on this some more, but it just is one more example of how contraception is a silent cancer to our society and to the health of the family.

Within the same blog, the author of this article also posted about her personal witness about having 4 children and people asking her  "do you want more children?!??"
It doesn't necessarily tackle the ethical issues of contraception in an academic way, which I think is the usual approach one takes when explaining why contraception is wrong. Instead, she takes a more practical, real-life account, that I think especially women can relate to.

To peak your interest, below I've listed her subpoints that she fleshes out, and I found extremely insightful:

6 reasons why “Do you want more?” isn’t the right question
1. It’s not all about me 
2. It’s not all about what I want 
3. I don’t have a crystal ball 
4. It’s important to have a “wholeness of vision”
5. I’m not good at knowing what I want; I’m terrible at knowing what I need 
6. I’m not afraid

Check it out. It's sweet. And the rest of the blog is great too: www.conversiondiary.com 

Mentorship: Making Memories

I was recently talking to one of the female missionaries in our region, and we were discussing ways to invest more deeply into those we mentor/disciple.

The theme she and her teammates were striving after (and I thought was genius) was "Making Memories."  Especially in the beginning stages of the relationship, having shared, memorable experiences can do wonders! Many of us are familiar with Aristotle's descriptions for the different forms of friendship. Ultimately, what we should be striving for is the "virtuous friendship," the one that makes you want to be a better person, strive in holiness, and sacrifice for the good of the other.  But sometimes, you need a stepping stone to get there. He describes other friendships, one being the "pleasant friendship."  This is where both parties find some kind of enjoyment from the other, you like the same things, went on the same trip, etc.  Though this is objectively a lower form of friendship, it can be a beautiful way to begin the path to the virtuous one.

What are examples of making memories??

 Roadtrips!

 Scrapbooking party (Or just something your disciple/mentor loves to do!)

Going to a concert! (And get matching shirts from the night :)

Go to a school sporting event together!

Visiting a different school! (My disciple and I visited the Bradley team last year and she still talks about it!)

Go Camping! In the winter. When there is snow preferably. Adds to the hardcore factor.

Get dressed up and see an opera. (Best thing I did with a girl in my bible study to get to know her better.)

Go on a pilgrimage to a beautiful church or holy site nearby!

Go on a foreign mission trip or pilgrimage together!

Take them home to meet your crazy family!

Have a sleepover!

Paint your faces like the band Kiss at 2am... (I wish I could find that picture...)

Teach eachother your favorite devotions and do them together regularly.

Give her Dreads.

Take dance lessons together.

Learn a new trade together, like knitting, or changing a tire, woodworking.

Train for a half-marathon together.

Do the ND Bike Race, and come back with battle wounds.

"..we were willing to share with you, not only the Gospel of God, but our very selves. So dearly beloved you have become to us."  Sharing our very selves.  This is difficult to do at a coffee shop every week. The more vulnerable you make yourself, the more freedom and security you give them to be vulnerable with you.

Making Modesty Hip #2

Round 2:



 Why is it important to be modest? I think Fr. Scanlon's Article does a much better job explaining this than I could. He is a holy man.



The goal is to accentuate your real beauty and to draw attention to your face. So remember that with every ensemble you put together! A woman's physique, no matter what body type, is beautiful! Dressing each body type will mean different rules for each, but the ultimate goal is the same: to inspire a sense of awe in those who see you, because of the beauty God created in you! Dress to be beautiful, not provocative. These 2 things have much different effects on men. A beautiful woman inspires a man to sacrifice everything, to climb the highest mountain, slay the toughest dragon. It inspires him to be a better man for that woman. A provocative woman creates a desire to possess, to use for his own enjoyment. The former makes him want to give of himself, the latter makes him want to take for himself. Beauty raises his thoughts and mind to heaven, while provocativeness draws him inside of himself and his own selfish inclinations.  So for the sake of our own dignity, and self-respect, (and for calling men to something higher,) our aim must be to be beautiful, not provocative.



What I want to focus on is: how the heck do I dress modestly? Or even find modest clothing? It's tough. I agree. But it can be done. And it can be fun!  I want to offer some tips that I've found/used, and I would also like anyone who has tips to please comment!

1) Layers.

           A) I wear a tank top under almost everything!

B) Men follow lines with their eyes. So layers help to blur those lines, like the ones V-necks create.

C) They also help minimize attention to a larger bust, while maximizing the curve of a smaller one, without drawing too much attention.

D) This is also a great way to utilize your favorite, possibly modestly questionable, tops that you don't want to get rid of! Put a fun t-shirt under it!

2) Take advantage of the longer shirts that are in style right now!

3) Scarves! They are a hip way to accessorize, and they help hide a lower neckline!

4) Don't be afraid to go up a size.

It's not a reflection of your body type, it's a defect of the manufacturer. They never seem to understand that we don't look the same as we did when we were 12. I have some shirts that are a small and some that are a large. It just depends on where you shop that day. So don't let sizes box you in!  Find what REALLY fits.

5) Revolutionary tip: Wearing something too tight can often make you look heavier!

Too many lines show that shouldn't, and it makes a woman look like she doesn't fit into her own clothes. So going for a size up can actually make you look slimmer!

6) The Cardigan.

One of the most functional articles of clothing to have in your closet. I know we make jokes about the typical FOCUS wardrobe, but it's because it works! You can find them in TONS of styles, so it doesn't have to box you in style-wise.

The whys:

A) Women typically are fickle about temperature, so they can save you if you go someplace drafty, or easily take it off if you get too warm. 

           B) They save you if you get too cold, if you know what I mean.

           C)They can look super hip over your fav concert tee, or dress up a tank with a nice    necklace. Soo many benefits!

7) Slips, Slips, Slips! When wearing a skirt, one step outside, and the sun will shine right through that puppy!

8) Wear more skirts! Funky long ones! Being a hippie is in! They still allow maximum mobilization, and you don't have to deal with: a) Pants that show your underwear when you sit down, and b) worrying if your jeans are too tight. They are built-in blankets when it's cold, and ventilators when it's warm! I often wear leggings underneath to maximize mobility, just in case I need to run after something :) You can dress them up or dress them down. And they are completely feminine. And completely forgiving to any figure. They accentuate a curvy figure, and give thin women a little hipp-age.

A few more tips:

What to do in front of the mirror:

1) Just because it looks ok standing straight up in the mirror, doesn't mean it passes the test. We don't spend the day in one place, completely motionless. Stand in front of the mirror and bend over, if you can see down your shirt, then everyone else will be able to when you bend down to tie your shoe, or pick up that pencil you dropped. A higher-neck cami can help! (Once again, I stress layers!)

2) Walk around. Things will move and shift!

3) On average, men are taller than women. It's a fact. So when picking out a shirt, keep that in mind. If a man stands next to you and looks down at you, will he still be drawn to your face??

A few Don'ts:

1) Leggings are not pants, ladies. And I would argue that they do not legitimize short mini skirts, either. Remember those lines I mentioned earlier? Men's eyes follow lines. Leggings do not prevent your leg from being a line for men to follow.

2) Words on clothing will always draw attention to the location of the words. Beware of where you are directing people's eyes.

3) Just because your body is covered, does not mean you are dressed modestly. Tightness is just as important to look out for.

“Your clothing should be tight enough to show you're a woman, and loose enough to show you're a lady.”

- Edith Head, fashion designer to Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelley and Ginger Rogers

One more thing I would add is: Modesty is just more comfortable. If you are hanging out with friends, it's no fun to constantly be tugging on your clothes. And if you are uncomfortable, there is no way you can be yourself. Ill-fitting clothes stifles you in so many ways! The more comfortable you are, the more you can allow your inner beauty to shine through!

Making Modesty Hip

 

I've struggled in finding good articles that explain the true meaning behind the virtue of modesty. Most that I find lean towards the side of condemning women who dress immodestly, and emphasize the fact that women are trying to get attention from men.  They usually cover, rightfully so, that we need to protect our brothers' eyes and not lead them into temptation.  I want to take it a little deeper though. Why do women seek this attention? If you ask any woman, she will tell you that she wants to be desired for more than just her looks.  A woman who dresses immodestly is seeking something deeper than just a man's glance.  She is seeking love.  She wants to feel beautiful. In an attempt to fulfill these desires, women will often compromise themselves. That's also the reason why so many women give in to impurity. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love?"  Can you blame her? In our society, finding true examples of real, selfless love is rare. If she's never seen it, how would a woman even know what she was looking for?  There is a deeper wound here that needs to be treated.  By just condemning her dress, we are only treating the symptoms, not finding the cure to the illness.  We need to teach women that they are loved by the only man who will never leave them.  Every other man will fall short.  We do not find our dignity in a man's advances, we find it in the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father.  When a woman has complete confidence in the security of His love, she no longer feels the need to seek out improper attention of men.  This is where we need to start.
YOU ARE LOVED.

In my attempt to find a good article on modesty, I finally found one by Fr. Michael Scanlon:
http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2216976313&topic=2667
He does a beautiful job addressing the Church's teaching and scriptural basis for modesty.

But I would still love to dive deeper into this psychological reasoning for dressing immodestly.
It's my dinner time, so I will have to leave it at that.  But Part 2 of this topic will cover: A) More on why it's important to be modest, and B)How the heck do I dress modestly and still be fashionable?

Part 3: In what ways do men need to be modest???

On Accepting Chivalrous Offers....

I just read this article, written by a man addressing this problem women have in accepting chivalrous attempts. I found his analysis interesting and hadn't heard it described this way before:

“I Wouldn’t Want To Inconvenience You”

Imagine that a princess has been kidnapped by an evil ogre and locked in a dark, gloomy castle. But suddenly a brave knight in shinning armor rides up on a white horse, swims the castle moat in full armor, wins a hard-fought victory over the vicious ogre, finds her cell, and calls out, “Stay back! I am going to break down the door and free you!” Wouldn’t it ruin the story if she responded, “Oh, don’t bother. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”
Sadly, this is the way many modern day “fairy tales” end. A gentleman tries to serve a girl, she responds by being embarrassed because she doesn’t want to inconvenience him, and he is discouraged from acting the part of a man.
Many girls wrongly assume that the hardest part of chivalry is the actual act of service, while in reality the hardest battle most men have to fight is asking you, not carrying your bags.
In other words, when a gentleman offers to open the door for you he has already had to conquer his “inner ogre” of self-centeredness and cluelessness. If you refuse his service because you’re afraid of inconveniencing him it’s like telling the knight who swam the moat and defeated the ogre that you wouldn’t want to “trouble” him with opening the door of your cell.
Challenge yourself to remember that a gentleman is going against the current of our culture by fighting his self-centeredness and asking to serve you. If he’s already killed the ogre, let him open the door.

http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/08/when-lancelot-comes-riding-part-1/

What Kind of Woman Are You?

Are you the kind that faces adventure head on?

Are you the kind that everyone goes to for advice?

Do you take joy in serving those around you?

Are you a mover and a shaker? Or do you add a calm presence to those around you?

Do you know where your gifts lie? The good Lord has gifted each and every one of us with special talents and traits that make us unique. Do we take the time to reflect on what he's given us?  If we don't know what they are, then it is impossible for us to use them to the best of our ability, or to allow Him to use them through us.  And if so, then we are no better than the worker who buried his talent in the ground, waiting for his master to return. (Matt 25:18) How did the Master respond? "You wicked and lazy servant!"  Yikes.

Too many times, instead of celebrating the gifts we've been given, we focus on the ones we wish we had, or the ones the women around us have.  "I am not as outgoing as my roommate," or "I'm not as creative she is." If we spend our time thinking about what we don't have, then we, in a sense, are telling the Lord that we are ungrateful for what He's given us, and that we could have designed ourselves better than he did!  It also creates a temptation to not live in reality, to not truly see ourselves, and in so doing, making it impossible to live out true humility, which is seeing ourselves clearly, as God sees us.  Our strengths and our weaknesses.  

Why do we compare ourselves to others?  What is at the root of this behavior?  Part of it lies in the fact that we look for our dignity and worth in the acceptance of others.  If we truly believed that our dignity and worth lies in our identity as daughters of the King, then it wouldn't matter that I'm not as organized as my roommates, or am not a witty storyteller.  My worth does not come from what I do, but who I am. 

 Ironically, it is only when we realize this that we will be able to do anything well.  The women above knew who they were, and knew the gifts they were given, and in turn used them to become beautiful, dynamic women! And all extremely different.  Flannery O'Connor's gifts were not the same as Mr. Teresa's.  St. Therese had different gifts than St. Gianna. But all of them are honored for being devout, dynamic women.  Take time to reflect on where your gifts lie.  If you are struggling, ask the people who know you best. They often see us more clearly than we see ourselves.